Blood Surf

release year: 2001 direct-to-video
genre: giant monster horror
viewing setting: home DVD, 7/7/01
what I expected: giant crocodile cheese
what I got: exactly that

synopsis: A small crew goes to a remote island chain to film surfers surfing in shark-infested waters. Too bad nobody knows about the gigantic hungry crocodile that's roaming around the area.

impressions: This is giant monster cheese at its finest - meaning that this was a corny movie with corny lines, corny characters, and lots of blood and nudity. This movie had it all: surfing, sharks, a giant crocodile, women making jokes about their different chest sizes, jungle booby traps, Spanish pirates, a sidelong joke about the Web, a salty old sea captain with a grudge, ancient ruins. It also had some really stupid actions. One character went on a dive at night to retrieve something important (how are you going to see? Never mind the proven presence of an underwater monster.) Another time, after about 15 seconds of being chased through jungle by the croc, they all just...stopped. HUH?!? As I am wont to do with movies of this sort, rather than launch into a detailed exposition of the merits of this film, I've gone off on a tangent - in this case, a timetable:

timekey event
0:23woman in water realizes that sharks around her are not going to ignore her
0:25all major characters witness a shark explode in a spray of blood...and then promptly forget that going in the water could be dangerous
0:29gratuitous seduction/sex scene
0:31croc attacks swimmers and then boat
0:33first actual sighting of croc
0:39Spanish pirates show up!
0:44you will believe a crocodile can fly
0:45the pirates prove their incompetency
0:46the protagonists prove THEIR incompetency
0:59everyone quits standing around complaining and suddenly knows how to operate a big boat
1:05the captain drives his boat into the coral reef for no real reason
1:08doofus picks a real bad time to take up surfing
1:09person is bitten in half!
1:10sole surviving pirate reappears
1:13same pirate falls victim to his own trap
1:14two women find the safest possible place - a bridge hundreds of feet above a river, looking down at the croc - and don't stay there!
1:16same two women attempt to bait the croc by flashing their breasts at it (it doesn't work)
1:20those protagonists who are left devise a complicated plan to bury the croc under cliffs, using dynamite...why didn't they just throw the dynamite in the croc's mouth?
1:21stupid woman takes out anger on croc by kicking its (supposedly dead) body...big mistake

casualties: 9 humans, 1 shark, 1 32' boat, 1 dock

acting: Actually, honestly, it wasn't that bad. One character had really stupid lines but it was undoubtedly intentional.

final word: Worthy giant-monster cheese. See it and be entertained.

rating: C-