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Blood Surf

release year: 2001 direct-to-video

genre: giant monster horror

viewing setting: home DVD, 7/7/01

what I expected: giant crocodile cheese

what I got: exactly that

synopsis: A small crew goes to a remote island chain to film surfers surfing in shark-infested waters. Too bad nobody knows about the gigantic hungry crocodile that's roaming around the area.

impressions: This is giant monster cheese at its finest - meaning that this was a corny movie with corny lines, corny characters, and lots of blood and nudity. This movie had it all: surfing, sharks, a giant crocodile, women making jokes about their different chest sizes, jungle booby traps, Spanish pirates, a sidelong joke about the Web, a salty old sea captain with a grudge, ancient ruins. It also had some really stupid actions. One character went on a dive at night to retrieve something important (how are you going to see? Never mind the proven presence of an underwater monster.) Another time, after about 15 seconds of being chased through jungle by the croc, they all just...stopped. HUH?!? As I am wont to do with movies of this sort, rather than launch into a detailed exposition of the merits of this film, I've gone off on a tangent - in this case, a timetable: time key event 0:23 woman in water realizes that sharks around her are not going to ignore her 0:25 all major characters witness a shark explode in a spray of blood...and then promptly forget that going in the water could be dangerous 0:29 gratuitous seduction/sex scene 0:31 croc attacks swimmers and then boat 0:33 first actual sighting of croc 0:39 Spanish pirates show up! 0:44 you will believe a crocodile can fly 0:45 the pirates prove their incompetency 0:46 the protagonists prove THEIR incompetency 0:59 everyone quits standing around complaining and suddenly knows how to operate a big boat 1:05 the captain drives his boat into the coral reef for no real reason 1:08 doofus picks a real bad time to take up surfing 1:09 person is bitten in half! 1:10 sole surviving pirate reappears 1:13 same pirate falls victim to his own trap 1:14 two women find the safest possible place - a bridge hundreds of feet above a river, looking down at the croc - and don't stay there! 1:16 same two women attempt to bait the croc by flashing their breasts at it (it doesn't work) 1:20 those protagonists who are left devise a complicated plan to bury the croc under cliffs, using dynamite...why didn't they just throw the dynamite in the croc's mouth? 1:21 stupid woman takes out anger on croc by kicking its (supposedly dead) body...big mistake

casualties: 9 humans, 1 shark, 1 32' boat, 1 dock

acting: Actually, honestly, it wasn't that bad. One character had really stupid lines but it was undoubtedly intentional.

final word: Worthy giant-monster cheese. See it and be entertained.

rating: C-

time	key event
0:23	woman in water realizes that sharks around her are not going to ignore her
0:25	all major characters witness a shark explode in a spray of blood...and then promptly forget that going in the water could be dangerous
0:29	gratuitous seduction/sex scene
0:31	croc attacks swimmers and then boat
0:33	first actual sighting of croc
0:39	Spanish pirates show up!
0:44	you will believe a crocodile can fly
0:45	the pirates prove their incompetency
0:46	the protagonists prove THEIR incompetency
0:59	everyone quits standing around complaining and suddenly knows how to operate a big boat
1:05	the captain drives his boat into the coral reef for no real reason
1:08	doofus picks a real bad time to take up surfing
1:09	person is bitten in half!
1:10	sole surviving pirate reappears
1:13	same pirate falls victim to his own trap
1:14	two women find the safest possible place - a bridge hundreds of feet above a river, looking down at the croc - and don't stay there!
1:16	same two women attempt to bait the croc by flashing their breasts at it (it doesn't work)
1:20	those protagonists who are left devise a complicated plan to bury the croc under cliffs, using dynamite...why didn't they just throw the dynamite in the croc's mouth?
1:21	stupid woman takes out anger on croc by kicking its (supposedly dead) body...big mistake