The Lost Continent

release year: 1968
genre: Hammer horror/adventure
viewing setting: home DVD, 12/10/99
what I expected: based on the DVD cover, monsters and large-breasted women
what I got: crap

synopsis: A ship full of stupid people sails right into a hurricane and ends up in a dangerous sargasso of killer weeds, pirates, giant monsters, and other nonsense.

impressions: Sounds promising, doesn't it? That's what we thought, too. Unfortunately, the plot was dragged down by stupid characters doing stupid things. In fact, it plodded along until 45 minutes at which point something interesting finally happened: a shark showed up and ate someone. The next defining moment was at 65 minutes, where the large-breasted woman on the DVD cover finally appeared. Unfortunately, the director didn't showcase these assets, and the movie continued to suck. It was slow, aimless, and foolish. We felt cheated, because the DVD cover clearly stated that large-breasted women were all over the place. Furthermore, this movie had 8 minutes of previously cut footage, "adult" footage. Nope. It was a lie. Whoever censored those 8 minutes, wherever they were, had to have been over 80 and a Bible-thumping, mouse-fearing emotional weakling. Today this same uncut movie would get a PG rating. Anyway, things of note: a Sarlaac pit that eats people, leftovers from the Spanish Inquisition, an advisor in a KKK robe and hood, a boy-child prince, carnivorous weeds, weak female characters who get rescued from certain death and then faint when the same monster attacks and kills the guy who just saved them, a flare to the belly, silly balloon-harnesses to let people walk on the watery weeds, giant hermit crab vs giant scorpion fight. One of the characters' quotes during the movie summed up our general feelings: "What kind of circus is this?"

body count: Dozens, mostly by gunfire but with several more exciting deaths.

acting: (yawn) The actress Dana Gillespie, she of the enormous and unfortunately mostly-contained breasts, stood out to us.

final word: Definite MST3K material.

rating: D+

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