Friday the 13th, part V, A New Beginning (a Joe-Bob Briggs style review) Continuing in the sordid tradition, we proudly present a complete review of the fifth installment in this classic series. The angst! The violence! The stupidity! What more can you ask for? As before, the various events and their point values have been listed in the order in which they appeared in the movie. MISC: Corey Feldman cameo -1 EVENT: Stunning predictability -1 (guys dig up Jason and he comes to life) EVENT: Cheap scare attempt -1 (kid with rubber spider then guy with mask) MISC: Cool cursing Ma on motorcycle +1 DEATH: Vic slaughters Joey the dork with axe (severed arm lying on back bonus) +1 EVENT: Cheap scare attempt -1 (Pete gets scared by bunny in woods) MISC: Foolish makeup effects -1 (not Tom Savini!) EVENT: Tommy beats the shit out of Eddie +1 EVENT: Ma takes cleaver to dead chicken while cackling +1 NUDITY: Topless nudity bonus (Lana gets topless) (scaled 1-5 rating  x +1 = +3) +3 EVENT: Cheap scare attempt -1 (flying cat) DEATH: Cool death bonus +1 (axe to head) NUDITY: Full frontal nudity bonus (Tina frolics in clearing, then has sex scene) (scaled 1-5 rating  x +2 = +8) +8 Duration bonus (scale of 1-3) +2 DEATH: Novel death bonus +1 (Tina gets it in the face with the shears) EVENT: Tommy beats the shit out of Junior +1 DEATH: Decapitation bonus +2 (Junior while riding motorcycle) DEATH: Cool death bonus +2 (Ma gets cleaver through window, falls face-first in soup, squashes tomato in hand) DEATH: Offscreen death (Jake) -1 NUDITY: Topless nudity bonus (Robin strips & gets into bed) (scaled 1-5 rating  x +1 = +2) +2 EVENT: Cheap scare attempt -1 (Jake's body is already in Robin's bed) MISC: Cheese: Jason walks through a front door -1 EVENT: Dramatic lightning effects -1 MISC: Reggie ditches the bitch and runs to save himself +1 DEATH: Offscreen death (Matt) -1 DEATH: Cool death bonus +2 (Matt pinned to tree by railroad spike thru head) NUDITY: Wet t-shirt bonus +1 DEATH: Offscreen death (Gramps) -1 DEATH: Eyes put out bonus (Gramps) +1 EVENT: Running screaming girl -2 MISC: Reggie saves the day by ramming Jason w/tractor +2 EVENT: Stunning predictability (incidence #2) -1 (they stand over Jason's body and he attacks) EVENT: Chainsaw brought into play! +4 EVENT: Stupidity penalty -1 (chainsaw runs out of gas) MISC: Most pathetic attack award -1 (dead chainsaw thrown at Jason) EVENT: Stunning predictability (incidence #3) -1 (they walk to edge of loft after Jason falls over) EVENT: Foolish plot twist -1 (identity of "Jason" revealed) EVENT: Stupid dream sequence -1 COUNT: Total body count +21 (not-killed-by-Jason penalty: -3) -3 COUNT: Survivor penalty -3 NET POSITIVES: +60 NET NEGATIVES: -26 ------------------------------------------------------------------- NET TOTAL: +34 BUNS of the movie: Tina (dies in clearing by shears) DORK of the movie: Joey, no doubt about it. Fortunately, he didn't last very long. Way to go, Vic. GENERAL NOTES: Thomas: Pretty good score for this one... Mitch: A worthy effort, but it wasn't better than part two. I'd rank them 2,4,5,1,3 in order of best to worst. Thomas: I'll just bet you would. Mitch: Who asked you? Thomas: This one wasn't bad, though. Mitch: Nope. Lots of nudity, though like before it was only a couple of girls. I guess these directors haven't realized that their movies would be better with Playboy models. Thomas: Like that Andy Sidaris guy. Mitch: Exactly. His movies never fail to show plenty of female flesh for no reason whatsoever. Thomas: I'm telling you, though, Tina was the buns of the movie. Mitch: I don't want to hear that horseshit. She was cute, but she wasn't what I'd call buns of the movie. Thomas: You're just saying that because the actress who played her was named DebiSue Vorhees. What an amazing coincidence! Mitch: That should be "Vorcheez."