Skippy's Movie Reviews, #7

Friday the 13th, part VII:  The New Blood
  (a Joe-Bob Briggs style review)



  It never does end.  Just remember that.  After the on-again, off-
again quality of the six previous movies, we made no predictions and
had no illusions about the seventh.  Here's what we found:

EVENT:	Pointless flashbacks					-6
MISC:	Tina successfully uses the force			+18
	  (+1 per occurence x 18 occurences = +18)
NUDITY:	Sex scene w/o any female nudity				-2
MISC:	Jason exposed spinal column				+1
MISC:	"He's no Peldor" award					+1
	  (guy shotguns a beer poorly)
DEATH:	Funny death bonus					+2
	  (Judy tries to hide in her sleeping bag, then
	   gets bashed against a tree)
NUDITY:	Glimpse bonus						+1
	  (Sondra [3] seen from underwater)
EVENT:	Cheap scare (Crews finds body in tree)			-1
EVENT:	"Paula driving award"					+1
	  (foolish car crash in wooded road)
EVENT:	Stupidity penalty					-1
	  (Mattie loses earring...and life)
EVENT:	Cheap scare (body falls from tree)			-1
EVENT:	Maximum stupidity penalty				-3
	  (girl leads Jason into toolshed)
NUDITY:	Sex scene w/o female nudity penalty			-4
	  (two scenes simultaneous, 2 x -2 = -4)
DEATH:	Funny death bonus					+2
	  (party noisemaker to eye)
NUDITY:	Honorable mention:  single nipple glimpse (Robin [4])	+0
EVENT:	Jason does "the ol' pull-the-power routine"		-1
NUDITY:	Topless nudity bonus					+4
	  (Robin [4] x +1 = +4)
EVENT:	Stupidity penalty					-1
	  (doofus scares himself with flashlight)
MISC:	Eddie opens all of Michael's birthday presents		+1
NUDITY:	Topless nudity bonus					+4
	  (Robin - again! - [4] x +1 = +4)
EVENT:	Cheap scare						-1
	  (flying cat from cupboard)
DEATH:	Decapitation bonus					+1
DEATH:	Robin hurled out of upper-floor window			+1
MISC:	Cowardice bonus						+1
	  (doctor uses mom as shield against Jason)
MISC:	"How'd he get away, anyway?" penalty			-2
DEATH:	Cool weapon bonus					+2
	  (tree-trimmer)
EVENT:	Bodies (5 in a row) appear from nowhere			-5
EVENT:	Repetition penalty					-1
	  (Jason jumps through something, in this case a window)
MISC:	Severed head hiding in potted plant bonus		+1
DEATH:	Axe to face bonus					+1
MISC:	Jason's rotten face exposed				+1
MISC:	Jason pulls nail from head				+1
EVENT:	Jason set on fire, dances				+1
EVENT:	House explodes for no reason				-2
EVENT:	Dad raised from dead to fight Jason			-2
COUNT:	Total body count					+16
COUNT:	Survivor penalty					-2

NET POSITIVES:						       +61
NET NEGATIVES:						       -35
-------------------------------------------------------------------
NET TOTAL:						       +26



BUNS of the movie:  Robin [4]; multiple nudities while grinning
  like a slut helped too.  We suspect that she may be a porn star
  nowadays.
DORK of the movie:  none, though Eddie coulda been a contender.



GENERAL NOTES:

Mitch:  Some people just take the art of running for granted.
Thomas:  Or the art of dodging...or sidestepping...
Mitch:  Most people can't appreciate the concentration and effort
  this takes.
Thomas:  Why don't people running from Jason in the woods ever climb
  trees?
Mitch:  Like Tarzan?
Thomas:  There were too many dorks in this movie.  They all looked
  the same.
Mitch:  Not like Robin, and her nudity.
Thomas:  She did seem to have a habit of dropping the covers from
  in front of her bare chest.
Mitch:  At one point, we couldn't be sure if they might show more.
  Until the Jason effect.
Thomas:  The toolshed weaponry was good, too.
Mitch:  I remember thinking, Whoa!  It's one of those things!
Thomas:  And again, later!  Good thing Mattie led Jason right to
  that toolshed.
Mitch:  Let's see him kill someone with a leaf-blower...a wood-chipper.
Thomas:  You've got the right idea, man.  You're on your way.
Mitch:  Jolly good.  Jason's been getting more creative of late.  Even
  against telekinetic-girl.
Thomas:  After the house exploded, I knew she was done fucking around
  with him.
Mitch:  Also note repeated events through multiple films:  running
  screaming women, flying cats, bodies appearing from nowhere, Jason
  smashing through a portal of some kind...
Thomas:  They must run out of new ideas pretty quickly.
Mitch:  Now the rating scale changes to:  2,4,5,7,1,6,3
Thomas:  Right-o.
Mitch:  The circle is the meaning of life...it's in there, I tell you.
Thomas:  Huh?