Friday the 13th, part VII: The New Blood (a Joe-Bob Briggs style review) It never does end. Just remember that. After the on-again, off- again quality of the six previous movies, we made no predictions and had no illusions about the seventh. Here's what we found: EVENT: Pointless flashbacks -6 MISC: Tina successfully uses the force +18 (+1 per occurence x 18 occurences = +18) NUDITY: Sex scene w/o any female nudity -2 MISC: Jason exposed spinal column +1 MISC: "He's no Peldor" award +1 (guy shotguns a beer poorly) DEATH: Funny death bonus +2 (Judy tries to hide in her sleeping bag, then gets bashed against a tree) NUDITY: Glimpse bonus +1 (Sondra  seen from underwater) EVENT: Cheap scare (Crews finds body in tree) -1 EVENT: "Paula driving award" +1 (foolish car crash in wooded road) EVENT: Stupidity penalty -1 (Mattie loses earring...and life) EVENT: Cheap scare (body falls from tree) -1 EVENT: Maximum stupidity penalty -3 (girl leads Jason into toolshed) NUDITY: Sex scene w/o female nudity penalty -4 (two scenes simultaneous, 2 x -2 = -4) DEATH: Funny death bonus +2 (party noisemaker to eye) NUDITY: Honorable mention: single nipple glimpse (Robin ) +0 EVENT: Jason does "the ol' pull-the-power routine" -1 NUDITY: Topless nudity bonus +4 (Robin  x +1 = +4) EVENT: Stupidity penalty -1 (doofus scares himself with flashlight) MISC: Eddie opens all of Michael's birthday presents +1 NUDITY: Topless nudity bonus +4 (Robin - again! -  x +1 = +4) EVENT: Cheap scare -1 (flying cat from cupboard) DEATH: Decapitation bonus +1 DEATH: Robin hurled out of upper-floor window +1 MISC: Cowardice bonus +1 (doctor uses mom as shield against Jason) MISC: "How'd he get away, anyway?" penalty -2 DEATH: Cool weapon bonus +2 (tree-trimmer) EVENT: Bodies (5 in a row) appear from nowhere -5 EVENT: Repetition penalty -1 (Jason jumps through something, in this case a window) MISC: Severed head hiding in potted plant bonus +1 DEATH: Axe to face bonus +1 MISC: Jason's rotten face exposed +1 MISC: Jason pulls nail from head +1 EVENT: Jason set on fire, dances +1 EVENT: House explodes for no reason -2 EVENT: Dad raised from dead to fight Jason -2 COUNT: Total body count +16 COUNT: Survivor penalty -2 NET POSITIVES: +61 NET NEGATIVES: -35 ------------------------------------------------------------------- NET TOTAL: +26 BUNS of the movie: Robin ; multiple nudities while grinning like a slut helped too. We suspect that she may be a porn star nowadays. DORK of the movie: none, though Eddie coulda been a contender. GENERAL NOTES: Mitch: Some people just take the art of running for granted. Thomas: Or the art of dodging...or sidestepping... Mitch: Most people can't appreciate the concentration and effort this takes. Thomas: Why don't people running from Jason in the woods ever climb trees? Mitch: Like Tarzan? Thomas: There were too many dorks in this movie. They all looked the same. Mitch: Not like Robin, and her nudity. Thomas: She did seem to have a habit of dropping the covers from in front of her bare chest. Mitch: At one point, we couldn't be sure if they might show more. Until the Jason effect. Thomas: The toolshed weaponry was good, too. Mitch: I remember thinking, Whoa! It's one of those things! Thomas: And again, later! Good thing Mattie led Jason right to that toolshed. Mitch: Let's see him kill someone with a leaf-blower...a wood-chipper. Thomas: You've got the right idea, man. You're on your way. Mitch: Jolly good. Jason's been getting more creative of late. Even against telekinetic-girl. Thomas: After the house exploded, I knew she was done fucking around with him. Mitch: Also note repeated events through multiple films: running screaming women, flying cats, bodies appearing from nowhere, Jason smashing through a portal of some kind... Thomas: They must run out of new ideas pretty quickly. Mitch: Now the rating scale changes to: 2,4,5,7,1,6,3 Thomas: Right-o. Mitch: The circle is the meaning of life...it's in there, I tell you. Thomas: Huh?