Skippy's Movie Reviews, #8

Friday the 13th, part VIII:  Jason Takes Manhattan
  (a Joe-Bob Briggs style review)

  What now?  Jason stows away aboard a cruise ship full of teenagers,
occupies himself by slaying them, and eventually makes it to New York
City.  How cheesy can it get?  Let's find out:

EVENT:	Rat emerges from muck-filled oil-drum			+1
NUDITY:	Side flash (Susie)					+1
EVENT:	Anchor laid in bad spot resurrects Jason		-1
EVENT:	Cheap scare (boyfriend in hockey mask)			-1
EVENT:	Jason misses with speargun				-1
DEATH:	Intestinal fortitude bonus				+2
	  (guts stick to spear)
EVENT:	Stupidity bonus						-1
	  (Susie lets herself become a sitting duck)
EVENT:	Screaming girl penalty					-1
MISC:	Lethal stowaway						+1
EVENT:	Doom-sayer on ship					-1
MISC:	JJ died too early, no opportunity for nudity		-1
EVENT:	Toby (the dog) sees Rennie's Jason-vision too		-1
DEATH:	Novel death scene					+1
	  (steaming rock into chest)
EVENT:	Rennie has a vision (incidence #2)			-1
EVENT:	Doom-sayer speaks again (incidence #2)			-1
EVENT:	Rennie has vision #3					-2
	  (higher penalty since vision is in 3D)
NUDITY:	Tease penalty						-1
	  (Tamara [2] in lingerie)
NUDITY:	Brief flash before death				+2
	  (Tamara [2] x +1 = +2)
EVENT:	Screaming girl penalty					-1
EVENT:	Meaningless introspection scene				-1
DEATH:	Ungory slit throat penalty				-1
EVENT:	Jason cuts off communication				-1
	  (rips radio wires out)
EVENT:	Doom-sayer speaks #3					-1
DEATH:	Cheesy death in disco					-1
MISC:	"at least they didn't play disco music" bonus		+1
MISC:	Julius takes the initiative and the gun			+1
EVENT:	Cheap scare (steam pipe)				-1
DEATH:	Electrocution						-1
MISC:	Jason pulls the fire alarm				+2
MISC:	Suspected Jason teleportation				-1
EVENT:	Stupidity penalty (guy climbs up flagpole to escape)	-1
EVENT:	Suspected Jason teleportation #2 (up flagpole)		-1
MISC:	Julius makes a cool face				+1
EVENT:	Man overboard! bonus					+2
EVENT:	Rennie has vision #4					-1
MISC:	Jason headbutts porthole				+1
EVENT:	Jason stabbed in eye with pen				+1
	  (goo runs out)					+1
EVENT:	Cheap scare in kitchen					-1
MISC:	Doom-sayer finally gets axed and shuts the hell up	+1
EVENT:	Cheap scare (Julius surfaces)				-1
MISC:	Principal gropes Julius					-2
MISC:	Jason sees hockey billboard w/mask			+1
DEATH:	Cool death bonus					+1
	  (punk gets syringe through chest)
EVENT:	Stupidity penalty					-1
	  (Julius starts boxing with Jason)
DEATH:	Decapitation by punch					+2
	  (head rolls into dumpster & closes it)		+1
MISC:	Julius "pops up" in police car				+1
EVENT:	Rennie has vision #5					-1
	  (causes car wreck)					-1
EVENT:	Stupid flashback					-1
	  (the "this is no time for a flashback" award)		+0
MISC:	Jason teleportation #3 (from outside to 2nd floor)	-1
DEATH:	Deserving death bonus					+2
	  (Jason drowns principal in slime)
EVENT:	Jason walks through glass door				-1
EVENT:	Jason swats fat bitch aside				+1
MISC:	Jason ignores all potential victims on subway		-1
EVENT:	Jason electrocuted					-2
	  (remember how he came to life originally this time?)
MISC:	Jason knocks boom box aside				+2
EVENT:	Jason walks through a wooden door			-1
MISC:	Bucket of toxic waste to Jason's face			+1
EVENT:	Jason's mask comes off again				-1
EVENT:	Toxic waste melts Jason					+2
EVENT:	Jason teleportation #4 (to ladder in sewers)		-1
MISC:	Jason spews						+2
MISC:	Cheesy de-mutation into boy				-3
EVENT:	Cheap scare						-1
	  (dog's perspective used)

COUNT:	Total body count					+20
COUNT:	Survivor penalty					- 2

NET POSITIVES:						       + 35
NET NEGATIVES:						       - 45
NET TOTAL:						       - 10

BUNS of the movie:  None (would have been JJ if she'd shed some of
  her clothes before the Jason effect struck)
DORK of the movie:  Wayne.  Anyone who walks around carrying a
  camcorder set on "record" deserves this bonus.  Especially when
  he didn't use his film to get some like he could have.


Thomas:  They sure picked a bad place to drop anchor.
Mitch:  You can say that again.
Thomas:  I could, but I won't.  Hey, how come couples who're alone and
  naked always feel the need to put clothes on before walking around?
Mitch:  Don't ask me.  I don't write this crap.
Thomas:  Then I suppose you didn't have anything to do with the guy
  leaving his hockey mask lying around for Jason to find?
Mitch:  All too convenient.
Thomas:  What about JJ?
Mitch:  What about her?  She wasn't supposed to die that early -
  there was too much left to see.
Thomas:  You got that right.
Mitch:  I wonder what happened to all the other kids?
Thomas:  Below decks is _not_ the place to be when the ship is sinking.
Mitch:  As they learned...still, a blatant crock of stupidity any way
  you slice it.
Thomas:  And how'd the dog get onto the lifeboat?
Mitch:  Maybe Jason teleported him there.  He sure teleported himself
Thomas:  Well, riddle me this, then:  how'd _Jason_ swim from the
  sinking ship all the way to New York?
Mitch:  He teleported.  Haven't you learned anything?
Thomas:  And then he goes into the subway!  Sheez.
Mitch:  Look at all those victims!
Thomas:  He also could've run amok in the diner too.
Mitch:  He wasn't doing his normal Jason thing.
Thomas:  Do they really flood the sewers with toxic waste every night
  at midnight?
Mitch:  I hope not.
Thomas:  The sewer is no place to be when the waste comes.  And what
  about how the waste melted Jason back into a little boy?
Mitch:  That had to be a vision.
Thomas:  Kinda like this whole movie.

  doom-sayer rants
  character needing to face past fear
  Jason cuts off communication
  screaming bitch
  Jason's rotten face exposed
  cheap scare
  someone gets electrocuted
  Jason headbutts a window
  Jason teleports (only in #8 really)