Skippy's Movie Reviews, #8
Friday the 13th, part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
(a Joe-Bob Briggs style review)
What now? Jason stows away aboard a cruise ship full of teenagers,
occupies himself by slaying them, and eventually makes it to New York
City. How cheesy can it get? Let's find out:
EVENT: Rat emerges from muck-filled oil-drum +1
NUDITY: Side flash (Susie) +1
EVENT: Anchor laid in bad spot resurrects Jason -1
EVENT: Cheap scare (boyfriend in hockey mask) -1
EVENT: Jason misses with speargun -1
DEATH: Intestinal fortitude bonus +2
(guts stick to spear)
EVENT: Stupidity bonus -1
(Susie lets herself become a sitting duck)
EVENT: Screaming girl penalty -1
MISC: Lethal stowaway +1
EVENT: Doom-sayer on ship -1
MISC: JJ died too early, no opportunity for nudity -1
EVENT: Toby (the dog) sees Rennie's Jason-vision too -1
DEATH: Novel death scene +1
(steaming rock into chest)
EVENT: Rennie has a vision (incidence #2) -1
EVENT: Doom-sayer speaks again (incidence #2) -1
EVENT: Rennie has vision #3 -2
(higher penalty since vision is in 3D)
NUDITY: Tease penalty -1
(Tamara [2] in lingerie)
NUDITY: Brief flash before death +2
(Tamara [2] x +1 = +2)
EVENT: Screaming girl penalty -1
EVENT: Meaningless introspection scene -1
DEATH: Ungory slit throat penalty -1
EVENT: Jason cuts off communication -1
(rips radio wires out)
EVENT: Doom-sayer speaks #3 -1
DEATH: Cheesy death in disco -1
MISC: "at least they didn't play disco music" bonus +1
MISC: Julius takes the initiative and the gun +1
EVENT: Cheap scare (steam pipe) -1
DEATH: Electrocution -1
MISC: Jason pulls the fire alarm +2
MISC: Suspected Jason teleportation -1
EVENT: Stupidity penalty (guy climbs up flagpole to escape) -1
EVENT: Suspected Jason teleportation #2 (up flagpole) -1
MISC: Julius makes a cool face +1
EVENT: Man overboard! bonus +2
EVENT: Rennie has vision #4 -1
MISC: Jason headbutts porthole +1
EVENT: Jason stabbed in eye with pen +1
(goo runs out) +1
EVENT: Cheap scare in kitchen -1
MISC: Doom-sayer finally gets axed and shuts the hell up +1
EVENT: Cheap scare (Julius surfaces) -1
MISC: Principal gropes Julius -2
MISC: Jason sees hockey billboard w/mask +1
DEATH: Cool death bonus +1
(punk gets syringe through chest)
EVENT: Stupidity penalty -1
(Julius starts boxing with Jason)
DEATH: Decapitation by punch +2
(head rolls into dumpster & closes it) +1
MISC: Julius "pops up" in police car +1
EVENT: Rennie has vision #5 -1
(causes car wreck) -1
EVENT: Stupid flashback -1
(the "this is no time for a flashback" award) +0
MISC: Jason teleportation #3 (from outside to 2nd floor) -1
DEATH: Deserving death bonus +2
(Jason drowns principal in slime)
EVENT: Jason walks through glass door -1
EVENT: Jason swats fat bitch aside +1
MISC: Jason ignores all potential victims on subway -1
EVENT: Jason electrocuted -2
(remember how he came to life originally this time?)
MISC: Jason knocks boom box aside +2
EVENT: Jason walks through a wooden door -1
MISC: Bucket of toxic waste to Jason's face +1
EVENT: Jason's mask comes off again -1
EVENT: Toxic waste melts Jason +2
EVENT: Jason teleportation #4 (to ladder in sewers) -1
MISC: Jason spews +2
MISC: Cheesy de-mutation into boy -3
EVENT: Cheap scare -1
(dog's perspective used)
COUNT: Total body count +20
COUNT: Survivor penalty - 2
NET POSITIVES: + 35
NET NEGATIVES: - 45
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NET TOTAL: - 10
BUNS of the movie: None (would have been JJ if she'd shed some of
her clothes before the Jason effect struck)
DORK of the movie: Wayne. Anyone who walks around carrying a
camcorder set on "record" deserves this bonus. Especially when
he didn't use his film to get some like he could have.
GENERAL NOTES:
Thomas: They sure picked a bad place to drop anchor.
Mitch: You can say that again.
Thomas: I could, but I won't. Hey, how come couples who're alone and
naked always feel the need to put clothes on before walking around?
Mitch: Don't ask me. I don't write this crap.
Thomas: Then I suppose you didn't have anything to do with the guy
leaving his hockey mask lying around for Jason to find?
Mitch: All too convenient.
Thomas: What about JJ?
Mitch: What about her? She wasn't supposed to die that early -
there was too much left to see.
Thomas: You got that right.
Mitch: I wonder what happened to all the other kids?
Thomas: Below decks is _not_ the place to be when the ship is sinking.
Mitch: As they learned...still, a blatant crock of stupidity any way
you slice it.
Thomas: And how'd the dog get onto the lifeboat?
Mitch: Maybe Jason teleported him there. He sure teleported himself
enough...
Thomas: Well, riddle me this, then: how'd _Jason_ swim from the
sinking ship all the way to New York?
Mitch: He teleported. Haven't you learned anything?
Thomas: And then he goes into the subway! Sheez.
Mitch: Look at all those victims!
Thomas: He also could've run amok in the diner too.
Mitch: He wasn't doing his normal Jason thing.
Thomas: Do they really flood the sewers with toxic waste every night
at midnight?
Mitch: I hope not.
Thomas: The sewer is no place to be when the waste comes. And what
about how the waste melted Jason back into a little boy?
Mitch: That had to be a vision.
Thomas: Kinda like this whole movie.
SOME OF THE BADLY-OVERUSED CLICHES:
doom-sayer rants
character needing to face past fear
Jason cuts off communication
screaming bitch
Jason's rotten face exposed
cheap scare
someone gets electrocuted
Jason headbutts a window
Jason teleports (only in #8 really)