Skippy's Movie Reviews, #9: Friday the 13th, part IX: Jason Goes to Hell
The score-sheet for this movie would be 3 pages long - too much for even these industrious reviewers to handle. Rather than attempt to score this one, we're going to hit on some high points, and then assign a letter grade to the movie.
The list of cool, uncool, and beyond-cool happenings:
- Agent Marcus takes a shower (+ + +) (best-looking woman to appear in this series since part II !)
- Jason ambushed by SWAT team (it's about friggin' time!)
- Jason detonates (+)
- coroner's professional opinion: "deader than shit"
- Jason's heart on operating table, filled with 10W40 motor oil
- coroner gets hungry, and gets down to the heart of the matter (+)
- Jason is dead: 2 for 1 burger sale! (+)
- dorko turns down a sure thing
- topless chick in tent (+)
- dual women pissing in woods (reviewer: "They never piss that quick!")
- Debbie impaled, then ripped in half (+)
- Jason displays Gene Simmons tongue (+)
- deputy's body melts, jaw sticks to floor (+)
- girl tries to be Thor by grabbing hammer
- Jason gets backed over (+)
- nose-to-brain strike (+)
- Ward thinks he's Chow Yun Fat
- Marge gets cold-cocked (+) (Marge was irritating and stupid)
- Jason elbows Marge in face, causing jaw implosion (+)
- cool warrior chick's head smashed, brains squirt up (+)
- Jason "enters" dead woman's body...
- Jason gets raked (+)
- Rory climbs jumgle gym, but Jason overturns it (+)
- Freddy Krueger hand takes Jason's mask
Now, we didn't care that much about the total body count. In fact, we're not sure what we cared about here. It wasn't a bad movie - they gave us ample doses of the basic building blocks - but it wasn't an outstanding movie, either.
BUNS of the movie: Agent Marcus, without a doubt. They just don't make 'em like that anymore.
DORK of the movie: the assistant coroner. Fortunately, he got probed to death early on.
We give this one a C.