Snakes on a Train

release year: 2006 direct-to-video
genre: horror
viewing setting: home DVD, 1/2/09

synopsis: A woman magically infected by snakes stows away on board a train, and eventually the snakes get out.

impressions: I'm sorry to say that this was the first movie I watched in 2009...this could be an ill omen of the year to come. What we have here is a quickie DTV monster movie made and released just before Snakes on a Plane to capitalize on that one's publicity and audience. The truth is, this movie will probably only hurt the other, because it gives snake movies a bad name. The trains look about 20 years old, and aren't even the same between shots. The train isn't full, as the trailer would have you believe - only 22 people appeared in this movie. But the main problem was a magical origin for the snakes. Yeah, you heard that right. Magic. Note to filmmakers everywhere: if you're going to make a movie about killer snakes, or killer animals, or killer ANYTHING, just use the standard cliched origin of "genetic whatever" or better yet, just have a big crate full of normal animals that gets broken open by a bump in the road, or a drunk guy, or foolish teenagers, or whatever. But not MAGIC. Bad move! It made no sense, especially when the mumbling that was supposed to explain it didn't come with the benefit of subtitles. The concept that a woman's family would get mad at her for defying a prearranged marriage, and thus curse her to become a living snake-generating preposterous. A terrible idea. Horrible. And guess what? Put into action, it's even dumber than it sounds.

body count: approximately 13 (some weren't verified, and the movie didn't bother to clarify)

notable quote #1: "Maybe he has the plague or something." (said about some poor guy who's bleeding from the mouth, though they don't yet know that he's full of snakes)

notable quote #2: (afflicted guy mentioned in quote #1) "I need to see a priest." (other guy) "You're gonna need a lot more than that, son."

something this movie has that no other movie has: a gigantic snake EATING a passenger train

acting: The acting was generally decent, but there was no one person whose role was greater than anyone else. Truthfully, these people were just there to fill the time between snake attacks.

final word: This is bad snake cheese. I can only recommend it if you're desperate and going through snake-movie withdrawals.

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