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Terror in the Swamp

release year: 1984 genre: bad horror wanna-be viewing setting: home VHS, 11/11/99 what I expected: some kind of scariness what I got: utter crap synopsis: Weird hairy man-shaped beast is roaming the swamp. impressions: Who cares? This movie was so badly-done that I wanted to turn it off. All of the characters - every single one - were hicks with terrible Southern accents and worse acting. It occured to me that in some cases, the filmmakers probably didn't even have to pay them - they just turned the camera on and got free footage to this movie. Sometimes, there was obvious evidence of scenes spliced together in the wrong order. The sad thing is that these filmmakers were clearly trying to make a serious monster movie. Sad. Anyway, rather than try to explain the plot, I've instead opted for a list of the characters you'll meet if you choose to watch this film: character purpose the monster Stalk the swamps, grunting a lot. It's supposed to be a giant mutated "nutria"...what in the HELL is a "nutria" anyway?!? update from 7/15/05: I finally remembered to find out just what a nutria is. the fat poacher Be the token opening-scene monster victim. Frank the game warden guy Look like Alex Trebek, run around doing things in order to give this movie a protagonist. Frank's boss Tell Frank it's okay to do things he was going to do anyway. police chief Set up meetings in coffee shops so that the filmmakers don't have to pay for a police-station set. As a bonus, he also looks like Andy Griffith. police chief's son-in-law Be gung-ho and ask stupid questions. police chief's secretary Answer the phone and relay messages to the chief. doctor Examine bodies and come up with theories so the other characters have something to talk about. Also looks like Alex Trebek. generic policemen (3) Give the police chief someone to boss around. Papa Joe Old drunk bastard who makes moonshine and yells at his sons. Jesse Son #1 of Papa Joe, big beefy violent guy who stole some dynamite but isn't sure what to do with it. T-Bob Son #2 of Papa Joe, really fat guy, someone for Jesse to boss around. Bubba Token black character, poaches with Jesse and T-Bob, looks and acts like Buckwheat. old scientist Develop a mutated strain of "nutria" so that furs will be bigger and worth more money. young scientist Token geek, turns out that he was the one who accidentally injected the normal "nutria" with human hormones, thus creating a giant "nutria." Yeah, sure, buddy. Whatever. the corporate backers (2) Fly down to the swamp, give the old scientist a 30-day deadline for results, then fly away. Sally Token old Indian for the old scientist to call "old hag" 16 times. Ends up tricking both scientists into walking through quicksand and drowning. random boat driver left alone so he can be shot accidentally by Green Berets. Green Beret leader Skinny little nerd who we're supposed to believe is a Green Beret. Utterly non-intimidating. other Green Berets (2) Allows the Green Beret leader to have someone to boss around. One carries a rocket launcher. Baggett Young local kid with rifle. Mistaken for monster and almost shot by Green Berets (see 'random boat driver' above.) drunken rednecks in boats (dozens) Form their own posse to hunt the monster, they end up drinking a lot and driving their boats around in circles. Helicopter pilot Sent to make the drunken rednecks in boats go home, but quickly becomes target for the drunken rednecks in boats, all of whom are armed. Biplane pilot Succeeds where the helicopter pilot failed, spraying the drunken rednecks in boats with insecticide and making them all turn around and go home. His strafing runs are set to the rousing sounds of fiddle music. random hunter #1 Becomes victim #3 of the monster since nobody has died in half an hour. random hunters #2 and 3 Become victims #4 and 5, for no apparent reason. body count: 7 confirmed kills, plus the monster acting: Don't count on it. final word: Don't waste your time on this one. rating: D back to the main reviews page

character	purpose
the monster	Stalk the swamps, grunting a lot. It's supposed to be a giant mutated "nutria"...what in the HELL is a "nutria" anyway?!? update from 7/15/05: I finally remembered to find out just what a nutria is.
the fat poacher	Be the token opening-scene monster victim.
Frank the game warden guy	Look like Alex Trebek, run around doing things in order to give this movie a protagonist.
Frank's boss	Tell Frank it's okay to do things he was going to do anyway.
police chief	Set up meetings in coffee shops so that the filmmakers don't have to pay for a police-station set. As a bonus, he also looks like Andy Griffith.
police chief's son-in-law	Be gung-ho and ask stupid questions.
police chief's secretary	Answer the phone and relay messages to the chief.
doctor	Examine bodies and come up with theories so the other characters have something to talk about. Also looks like Alex Trebek.
generic policemen (3)	Give the police chief someone to boss around.
Papa Joe	Old drunk bastard who makes moonshine and yells at his sons.
Jesse	Son #1 of Papa Joe, big beefy violent guy who stole some dynamite but isn't sure what to do with it.
T-Bob	Son #2 of Papa Joe, really fat guy, someone for Jesse to boss around.
Bubba	Token black character, poaches with Jesse and T-Bob, looks and acts like Buckwheat.
old scientist	Develop a mutated strain of "nutria" so that furs will be bigger and worth more money.
young scientist	Token geek, turns out that he was the one who accidentally injected the normal "nutria" with human hormones, thus creating a giant "nutria." Yeah, sure, buddy. Whatever.
the corporate backers (2)	Fly down to the swamp, give the old scientist a 30-day deadline for results, then fly away.
Sally	Token old Indian for the old scientist to call "old hag" 16 times. Ends up tricking both scientists into walking through quicksand and drowning.
random boat driver	left alone so he can be shot accidentally by Green Berets.
Green Beret leader	Skinny little nerd who we're supposed to believe is a Green Beret. Utterly non-intimidating.
other Green Berets (2)	Allows the Green Beret leader to have someone to boss around. One carries a rocket launcher.
Baggett	Young local kid with rifle. Mistaken for monster and almost shot by Green Berets (see 'random boat driver' above.)
drunken rednecks in boats (dozens)	Form their own posse to hunt the monster, they end up drinking a lot and driving their boats around in circles.
Helicopter pilot	Sent to make the drunken rednecks in boats go home, but quickly becomes target for the drunken rednecks in boats, all of whom are armed.
Biplane pilot	Succeeds where the helicopter pilot failed, spraying the drunken rednecks in boats with insecticide and making them all turn around and go home. His strafing runs are set to the rousing sounds of fiddle music.
random hunter #1	Becomes victim #3 of the monster since nobody has died in half an hour.
random hunters #2 and 3	Become victims #4 and 5, for no apparent reason.