Tale of the Mummy

release year: 1999 direct-to-video
genre: horror
viewing setting: home DVD, 12/7/99
what I expected: no idea
what I got: a terrible rip-off with no plot

synopsis: Fifty years ago, a tomb was unearthed. Six months ago, its inner chamber was unearthed. Now some murders have begun, but it's really the mummy Talos preparing to take over the world even though nobody believes it.

impressions: This movie was a complete waste of time. It started off strong - the first ten minutes, with the doomed explorers from 1948 was pretty cool. However, lack of a sensible script (not to mention any sort of consistency or originality, as a large portion of this movie's plot was ripped off of The Mummy) sunk this one in record time. It didn't help that there was a complete lack of female nudity (despite several teaser moments) but then later we had to see Jason Scott Lee's naked ass. Three times. In a spotlight. This was inexcusable. The mummy...for most of the movie it just flew around as a bunch of rags and killed people. Yet the damn thing couldn't fly into some victim's window so it hitched a ride on the elevator?!? Give me a break! Another example: after killing many people with ease and without fear, the rags retreat from a victim in the shower because...she opened her eyes! AAARGH!

most entertaining moment: When our cat fell off of the couch. I'm not kidding. He (unlike us) had the sense to go do something else besides watch the rest of this wretched movie.

body count: 11 by mummy, 1 by gunshot, 4 by petrification gas in opening scene.

acting: Not horrible, but definitely a step down for everyone involved (among them Jason Scott Lee, Christopher Lee, and Honor Blackman aka Pussy Galore in Goldfinger.) There was one really annoying character who spoke with a British accent and was impossible to understand because he whispered all the time, and this was sad since he was the one telling everyone else (and the viewer) the history of the mummy.

final word: Don't waste your time. Go see The Mummy instead. Come to think of it, just about any mummy movie ever made would be better than this.

rating: D

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